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Hollywood Squares Answers
These are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they are now. These are from the
old Hollywood Squares show in the 70's. . . .
If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
True or false: A pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. . . .
You've been having trouble sleeping. Are you probably
a man or a woman?
Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly
and ask him if he's married?
RoseMarie: No, wait until morning.
Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
C.W.: My sense of decency.
In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What would a goose do?
P.L.: Make him bark.
If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
P.L.: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
C.W.: It got me out of the Army!
Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
P.L.: Who told you about my elephant?!
Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light?
P.L.: Only during ballet practice.
I don't usually pass on sad news like this, but sometimes we need to pause and remember what it's all about.
There was a great loss recently in the entertainment world. Larry LaPrise, the Detroit native who wrote the song "The
Hokey Pokey", died last week at the age of 83.
It was especially difficult for the family. They had trouble placing him in the casket. They'd put his right leg in and.....well,
you know the rest.........
Da List, Triple Trouble Style
The idea for "Da List" originated with the KiTTiE home video, "Spit In Your Eye". Well, Darcy, Bob,
and myself (a.k.a Promethius), the three people who make up "Triple Trouble", all decided that it would be fun to
make our own version of "Da List". So here it is! (This is the edited version. If ya want the un-edited version,
see Darcy's homepage. She's on my links list.)
1. Bob is a detachable hooker
2. When all else fails, point and laugh!
3. Mr. Damy
4. Herbert the frog
5. Cheese!!!
6. I'm goin' to lick this pudding
7. Now with moist crunchy bits!
8. I am moist!
9. Beware the thong!
10. You intergalactic hussy!
11. You got a problem wit it?!?!?
12. Ok, thats it! The ice cream man dies!
13. Why is he called "Silent Bob" anyways?!?!?
14. He is silent, therefore he is Bob!
15. Vanilla frosting
16 My bum tempts him
17. The kid in the helmet, lookit him!
18. Dude, why are we walking like this?
19. Monkey poo!
20. Curse you and all your doughnutty goodness!
21. I am a windmill!
22. No soup for you!
23. Big American party!
24. My pantleg is wrinkled, kinda like your skirt
25. Nappy, poopy stuff
26. I said cheese!
27. Big man, little man, big man, little man, etc...
28. Apple Tree!
29. Mmmmm. I like turkey!
30. The moose is loose on the field!
Mommy! Mommy! Can I go play with Gramma?
If you dig her up one...more...time . . .
Chili Cook-Off
Recently, I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off,
because no one else wanted to do it. Also, the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing
there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so
I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two
beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.
Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.
Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting
Draino. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of the way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me
on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping against my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind
me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.
Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili gave me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly
on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
Sally.
Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about
Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some
point. Good! At autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild not hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
FRANK: -------(editor's note: Judge Number 3 was unable to report)
YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN...
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
You're so jittery that people use your hands to shake paint
cans.
Cocaine is a downer.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize
it's not plugged in.
Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
When you call talk radio shows, they ask you to turn yourself down.
Your life goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar".
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer Bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You're up to four heart attacks a day.
Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyd's of London.
You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation".
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
You think Columbia would be a great vacation destination!
You're passing everybody on the freeway when you suddenly
realize: you left your car at home!
Court Responses
These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court". These are things people actually said in court, word for
word, taken down and published by court reporters- who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually
taking place.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when you woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't kow about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your answers must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
TOP 10 REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED:
No one ever steals your chair.
Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
Diverts attention to the fact that you also came to work drunk.
People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you put them.
With a little help from Muzak, you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
You want to see if it's like the dream.
To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
"I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
Inventive new way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.
...and (drum roll) the number one reason to go to work naked: Your boss will stop yelling, "I wanna see your butt
in here by 9:00!"
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